How to get past a block?

So its been awhile since I've delved much into my personal life on my blog. I won't lie, its been an emotional maelstrom since I've last checked.

I dropped back into alcoholism for a little while. It kind of pains me to say that, because I struggled with my alcoholism for a long time, and I thought that I had it in control. Thankfully, my dip into deep waters did not last long.

It came to an abrupt stop because alot of people started to notice how much I was drinking, which was basically every minute of every day. People got worried. Its not often that I get 4 phone calls asking me if everything is ok in my life. But how exactly do you answer a question like that? All I can really say is , "gee, thanks for asking, it kinda sucks right now, and honestly, I don't know whats going on in my life right now."

Looking at my alcoholism, I started to think about what drove me to drink so much. I think that my drinking habits were a subconscious cry from my mind, trying to express itself. My mind is a horrible thing. It's worse than a new born baby. It constantly talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and won't give me any rest.

Thats when it hit me. Why was my mind trying to talk so much, what did it need to say? So I decided to try something different. I decided to let my mind talk, but use a medium to express itself as honestly as possible. To me, music is the most honest form of expression known to man. I decided to let my mind talk, through music.

I started sitting down at a piano, and whatever my mind felt at the time, I would play some notes, and jot down the notes that happened to make sense. I made my first piano composition roughly at the end of summer, and I think that it was a very good expression of what my mind needed to say. I felt a sense of accomplishment, and best of all, my mind actually rested once I was done. For a good few days, I didn't have a single thought on my mind anymore. I discovered that my mind could talk as much as it wanted through music. The logical thing that would follow, is to make a new song once my mind began talking again.

So there I sat. First of all, a piano is a hard thing to come by. I might have one in California, but here in the south, I do not. Thankfully, one of my friends from Biloxi had a piano and an empty house. The piano itself was out of tune for the most part, and the damper pedal did not work at all, but it was better than keying on a laptop.

So there I sat. I sat there for 2 full days, without any rest and let my mind talk to me. And I did not like what it had to say to me. Making a song is kind of like making a recipe. You start out with a simple frame, and build on it. In music, these simple frames are called "chords". There are two main types of "chords", major and minor. Major chords tend to give off happy sounds, whereas Minor chords tend to give off sad sounds.

When you make a song, you first have to find the proper chord or "flavor" that you want your song to go in.

For two days straight, the only thing my mind wanted to sing, were minor chords... even now, 2 weeks later, the only thing my mind can muster are minor chords. I like to think of my mind as a 2nd person, my buddy I guess you could say. Right now, my buddy is telling me that he's sad. My buddy is telling me that he's so sad, he can't even play a single happy note for the world on the piano.

I think that using music as a medium has helped me understand myself even more. In this case, it's helped me separate denial from actuality. I'm really sad right now, and theres no hiding it or explaining it, its just how I feel.

I want to play a really beautiful happy song, I really do. I want to play a song so beautiful and happy that people can relate to it, and feel something from it, and have an inner sense of understanding with the world around them.

But for now, all I hear is sad tones, sad chords, and sad melodies. I'm not sure how to get past it... where is my muse?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not moping around all day with ideas of cutting my wrists. I don't walk around with a sad face all day. I don't look like a sad person. I look like a pretty normal happy person. I'm generally happy with the world and where I'm at. Its just I'm having an extremely hard time trying to express my thoughts these days. I don't want to pump out an album of tear jerkers. I'm trying to find some peace of mind again I guess. I'm just trying to cheer up my inner buddy.

Means to and End.

I don't watch a ton of tv, but there are a few really good shows I try to keep up with. One of these shows is The Entourage, an HBO show.

After 8 seasons, The Entourage has finally ended. And while the last season felt a bit rushed, I couldn't be any happier with the way the series ended.

The only reason why I'm blogging about the season finale, is because while watching it, there was this overarching theme throughout the final ep. To me, the final ep screamed out, no matter what happens, things will always come out better in the end for everyone.

I'll just take 3 examples from the finale. (spoiler alert)

Example 1: E's ending with Sloan.

E is one of the main characters in the show, and he's always got this on again and off again relationship with a girl named Sloan. Building up to the finale, it seemed like all was lost for poor E. That things between him and Sloan would never work out. Alot of things happened. E slept with Sloan's ex-step mom, Sloan was dating some douche actor that was signed under E's company. Looks and sounds bad already doesn't it?

Both E and Sloan did alot of things that on the outside say: "I dont give a fuck about you, I hate you, go to hell." But in reality, despite all the hardship that both put each other through, they still genuinely loved each other. In the end, they both agreed to get on a private plane together, which would take them anywhere in the world, so that they could find some kind of mutual peace in all the mayhem that lead to this point.

I don't know what it was, but seeing the two embrace before the plane took off, the scene was just done so well, and you could tell the director wanted everyone in the audience to feel good about the whole scene. Makes u think, that in the end, maybe everything will turn out ok.

Example 2: Ari and his Wife

Building up to the last season, Ari and his marriage were on the verge of ending for good. If theres one thing anyone will remember about The Entourage as a show, it is that Ari Gold is the most bad ass person in the world. Picture a man, that gets what he wants, when he wants, whenever he wants. Imagine the confidence and strength that a man of this build has. Now imagine this man, stripped entirely of everything.

When his wife wanted to split, Ari's entire meaning to life itself crumbled. He realized that he just couldn't live anymore without his wife and family. He gave up his CAREER. An extremely LUCRATIVE career. A career that he himself PERSONIFIED. And to make matters worse, he LOVED his job probably more than anyone in any profession or field. And he built his empire from the GROUND up.

The thought of not having his wife and family devasted him, and in the end, he gave it all up, just for one chance to make things right again.

His performance in the finale showed how much emotion can pour out of a seemingly emotionless man, and to me it shows how love in the end, is what conquers all.

Example 3: Vinny Chase

This will be a short example. Vinny Chase is the main character of the show, and throughout the show was a huge whore (for a lack of a better word). He dated and dated and dated and just couldn't get it right.

In season 8, he met the one. And all it took, was one conversation, and one glance. And Vinny KNEW, that she was the one. There was no doubt in his heart/soul/mind.

I'm a romantic, and I tend to believe that true love exists, and as cheesy or as unrealistic as movies/cinema may make love out to be, I think people are just too afraid to believe in it. Its right in front of your eyes, and its been done in every movie/tv/music/play/book ever made. It's an idea, a philosophy, and it is real. People shouldn't have to be afraid of it.

In conclusion, I was just very satisfied with how the season finale ended to entourage. It really made me feel good inside. And I can't wait for the movie.

But I'll wait.

Forever and a day.

The Music Plays.

...and every song comes to an end. That much is certain.

Christmas Time is Here

Christmas has always been a little awkward for me. I mean, I'm catholic, so in terms of faith and what not, Christmas has always been spiritually special.

Whats strange is that besides its spirituality, I never really felt much for Christmas. As odd as that sounds, I only remember one Christmas that I can look back and say "Wow, so this is what Christmas is about."

For much of my teenage years and a little into my college years, Christmas was the same thing everytime... Everything is closed, noone is on the road, and me and my friends are playing our annual basketball game at night in the park.

I don't know exactly what drew us to that basketball court every Christmas eve. Whether it was sheer boredom, or the fact that we all shared a similar apathy towards Christmas, it was never anything more special than an annual basketball game in the dark.

Even when I was in my first serious relationship, we only spent one Christmas together for some odd reason. It wasn't really a big occasion for us as a couple either.

My family is also really small, so its not really that big or blown up for us either outside of the annual Christmas mass we always go to together.

Now that I think about it, I only have 1 real memory of Christmas. It was a textbook Christmas. I went that year with my gf at the time, my sister, and my sister's boyfriend's family. This was the first Christmas right after Katrina, and it was nice that another family invited us in for Christmas. They really didnt' pull any punches either.. they rented a log cabin in Tahoe that not only fit us, but the entirety of their family: uncles, aunts, kids, grandparents, the whole 9 yards. They had a huge Christmas tree, there was lots of snow and sledding.. It was like a storybook Christmas. It was also the only Christmas me and my gf at the time ever shared together... It was one of the only good memories I have left in my mind of us.

I won't lie, as far as I can remember, and even to these more recent years, Christmas has always been a really sad, depressing time for me. Its not that I hate it, I don't. I guess I hate it, because I have a vision of what Christmas should feel like, and for some reason, I've only been able to see and feel that vision once in my life. Christmas has just been a sad time for me.

This year, two of my good good friends are going to be visiting me while I'm back home in Cali for Christmas. Its been a hectic year for us all, and as much as we've been through, we 3 really know that a chapter in our lives is about to soon end, and a totally brand new one is going to open up for us.

I'm glad I'll have them around for Christmas this year.

This song is a beautiful xmas song.

Christmas Time is Here

See, it DOES exist.

I've bore witness to many things the last few weeks. None of which really sent me to bed with a happy smile and a warm feeling inside. But today, I saw something.

I was djing for a friend's house party, it was really fun. Was mostly alot of old friends from Biloxi. Among them was one friend who met a girl. A girl from the other side of the world..

He met a girl online. The girl turned out to be from Germany, central Germany to be exact. Close to Frankfurt. I don't know what surprised me more.. the fact that I actually knew that Frankfurt lay in central Germany which gave me a point of reference to where she was from, or the fact that two people who barely know each other, were able to be with each other despite living half the world away.

I dunno, something there just shines to me. I've always been a bit of a romantic, u know, the whole true love bit and so on... And despite recent happenings in my life, and what I noticed from some of my close one's problems, I really was losing hope in it all. Losing hope in the idea that romanticism/true love existed.

And for some reason, the image of those two people holding each other dearly struck a nerve in my heart. I was happy for them. But, I saw it in the flesh. It wasn't a movie, it was real. I don't know exactly what it was that I saw, but I definitely saw something. Something special. Something that drew two people from two vastly different parts of the world together.

Seeing that, I think I'm starting to gain the strength to still believe in it all. Believe that it exists, and maybe we just run into it in the most unexpected way.

It's unlike me to let things get to me. To let things change me. I won't let it change me. I can't let it change me. It's impossible.

I'm going to keep on believing that someone else out there is thinking the exact same thing that I am. And if there isn't, man.. it'll make a grand story one day won't it? =)

Day 6 and 7: Project Inception shut down?

Mom flew in the other day so I've been busy spending time with her. But the dreams from day 6 and 7 have not been good.

Of course, sporadic sleeping has ensued and as a result, dreams have been very clear.

Settings have been realistic, the characters within the dreams have been realistic, and there is definitely a trend emerging.

Thats about all I can really say at this point, but since the apocalypse dream, my dreams have regressed into very clear cut dreams. I know exactly what I'm thinking about in these dreams and exactly why. There isn't much hidden as of late, nothing to decypher.

Starting to effect me after I wake up too.

I guess I just have too much on my mind right now. Lets hope things calm down in the head.