How to get past a block?

So its been awhile since I've delved much into my personal life on my blog. I won't lie, its been an emotional maelstrom since I've last checked.

I dropped back into alcoholism for a little while. It kind of pains me to say that, because I struggled with my alcoholism for a long time, and I thought that I had it in control. Thankfully, my dip into deep waters did not last long.

It came to an abrupt stop because alot of people started to notice how much I was drinking, which was basically every minute of every day. People got worried. Its not often that I get 4 phone calls asking me if everything is ok in my life. But how exactly do you answer a question like that? All I can really say is , "gee, thanks for asking, it kinda sucks right now, and honestly, I don't know whats going on in my life right now."

Looking at my alcoholism, I started to think about what drove me to drink so much. I think that my drinking habits were a subconscious cry from my mind, trying to express itself. My mind is a horrible thing. It's worse than a new born baby. It constantly talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and won't give me any rest.

Thats when it hit me. Why was my mind trying to talk so much, what did it need to say? So I decided to try something different. I decided to let my mind talk, but use a medium to express itself as honestly as possible. To me, music is the most honest form of expression known to man. I decided to let my mind talk, through music.

I started sitting down at a piano, and whatever my mind felt at the time, I would play some notes, and jot down the notes that happened to make sense. I made my first piano composition roughly at the end of summer, and I think that it was a very good expression of what my mind needed to say. I felt a sense of accomplishment, and best of all, my mind actually rested once I was done. For a good few days, I didn't have a single thought on my mind anymore. I discovered that my mind could talk as much as it wanted through music. The logical thing that would follow, is to make a new song once my mind began talking again.

So there I sat. First of all, a piano is a hard thing to come by. I might have one in California, but here in the south, I do not. Thankfully, one of my friends from Biloxi had a piano and an empty house. The piano itself was out of tune for the most part, and the damper pedal did not work at all, but it was better than keying on a laptop.

So there I sat. I sat there for 2 full days, without any rest and let my mind talk to me. And I did not like what it had to say to me. Making a song is kind of like making a recipe. You start out with a simple frame, and build on it. In music, these simple frames are called "chords". There are two main types of "chords", major and minor. Major chords tend to give off happy sounds, whereas Minor chords tend to give off sad sounds.

When you make a song, you first have to find the proper chord or "flavor" that you want your song to go in.

For two days straight, the only thing my mind wanted to sing, were minor chords... even now, 2 weeks later, the only thing my mind can muster are minor chords. I like to think of my mind as a 2nd person, my buddy I guess you could say. Right now, my buddy is telling me that he's sad. My buddy is telling me that he's so sad, he can't even play a single happy note for the world on the piano.

I think that using music as a medium has helped me understand myself even more. In this case, it's helped me separate denial from actuality. I'm really sad right now, and theres no hiding it or explaining it, its just how I feel.

I want to play a really beautiful happy song, I really do. I want to play a song so beautiful and happy that people can relate to it, and feel something from it, and have an inner sense of understanding with the world around them.

But for now, all I hear is sad tones, sad chords, and sad melodies. I'm not sure how to get past it... where is my muse?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not moping around all day with ideas of cutting my wrists. I don't walk around with a sad face all day. I don't look like a sad person. I look like a pretty normal happy person. I'm generally happy with the world and where I'm at. Its just I'm having an extremely hard time trying to express my thoughts these days. I don't want to pump out an album of tear jerkers. I'm trying to find some peace of mind again I guess. I'm just trying to cheer up my inner buddy.