How to get past a block?

So its been awhile since I've delved much into my personal life on my blog. I won't lie, its been an emotional maelstrom since I've last checked.

I dropped back into alcoholism for a little while. It kind of pains me to say that, because I struggled with my alcoholism for a long time, and I thought that I had it in control. Thankfully, my dip into deep waters did not last long.

It came to an abrupt stop because alot of people started to notice how much I was drinking, which was basically every minute of every day. People got worried. Its not often that I get 4 phone calls asking me if everything is ok in my life. But how exactly do you answer a question like that? All I can really say is , "gee, thanks for asking, it kinda sucks right now, and honestly, I don't know whats going on in my life right now."

Looking at my alcoholism, I started to think about what drove me to drink so much. I think that my drinking habits were a subconscious cry from my mind, trying to express itself. My mind is a horrible thing. It's worse than a new born baby. It constantly talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and won't give me any rest.

Thats when it hit me. Why was my mind trying to talk so much, what did it need to say? So I decided to try something different. I decided to let my mind talk, but use a medium to express itself as honestly as possible. To me, music is the most honest form of expression known to man. I decided to let my mind talk, through music.

I started sitting down at a piano, and whatever my mind felt at the time, I would play some notes, and jot down the notes that happened to make sense. I made my first piano composition roughly at the end of summer, and I think that it was a very good expression of what my mind needed to say. I felt a sense of accomplishment, and best of all, my mind actually rested once I was done. For a good few days, I didn't have a single thought on my mind anymore. I discovered that my mind could talk as much as it wanted through music. The logical thing that would follow, is to make a new song once my mind began talking again.

So there I sat. First of all, a piano is a hard thing to come by. I might have one in California, but here in the south, I do not. Thankfully, one of my friends from Biloxi had a piano and an empty house. The piano itself was out of tune for the most part, and the damper pedal did not work at all, but it was better than keying on a laptop.

So there I sat. I sat there for 2 full days, without any rest and let my mind talk to me. And I did not like what it had to say to me. Making a song is kind of like making a recipe. You start out with a simple frame, and build on it. In music, these simple frames are called "chords". There are two main types of "chords", major and minor. Major chords tend to give off happy sounds, whereas Minor chords tend to give off sad sounds.

When you make a song, you first have to find the proper chord or "flavor" that you want your song to go in.

For two days straight, the only thing my mind wanted to sing, were minor chords... even now, 2 weeks later, the only thing my mind can muster are minor chords. I like to think of my mind as a 2nd person, my buddy I guess you could say. Right now, my buddy is telling me that he's sad. My buddy is telling me that he's so sad, he can't even play a single happy note for the world on the piano.

I think that using music as a medium has helped me understand myself even more. In this case, it's helped me separate denial from actuality. I'm really sad right now, and theres no hiding it or explaining it, its just how I feel.

I want to play a really beautiful happy song, I really do. I want to play a song so beautiful and happy that people can relate to it, and feel something from it, and have an inner sense of understanding with the world around them.

But for now, all I hear is sad tones, sad chords, and sad melodies. I'm not sure how to get past it... where is my muse?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not moping around all day with ideas of cutting my wrists. I don't walk around with a sad face all day. I don't look like a sad person. I look like a pretty normal happy person. I'm generally happy with the world and where I'm at. Its just I'm having an extremely hard time trying to express my thoughts these days. I don't want to pump out an album of tear jerkers. I'm trying to find some peace of mind again I guess. I'm just trying to cheer up my inner buddy.

Means to and End.

I don't watch a ton of tv, but there are a few really good shows I try to keep up with. One of these shows is The Entourage, an HBO show.

After 8 seasons, The Entourage has finally ended. And while the last season felt a bit rushed, I couldn't be any happier with the way the series ended.

The only reason why I'm blogging about the season finale, is because while watching it, there was this overarching theme throughout the final ep. To me, the final ep screamed out, no matter what happens, things will always come out better in the end for everyone.

I'll just take 3 examples from the finale. (spoiler alert)

Example 1: E's ending with Sloan.

E is one of the main characters in the show, and he's always got this on again and off again relationship with a girl named Sloan. Building up to the finale, it seemed like all was lost for poor E. That things between him and Sloan would never work out. Alot of things happened. E slept with Sloan's ex-step mom, Sloan was dating some douche actor that was signed under E's company. Looks and sounds bad already doesn't it?

Both E and Sloan did alot of things that on the outside say: "I dont give a fuck about you, I hate you, go to hell." But in reality, despite all the hardship that both put each other through, they still genuinely loved each other. In the end, they both agreed to get on a private plane together, which would take them anywhere in the world, so that they could find some kind of mutual peace in all the mayhem that lead to this point.

I don't know what it was, but seeing the two embrace before the plane took off, the scene was just done so well, and you could tell the director wanted everyone in the audience to feel good about the whole scene. Makes u think, that in the end, maybe everything will turn out ok.

Example 2: Ari and his Wife

Building up to the last season, Ari and his marriage were on the verge of ending for good. If theres one thing anyone will remember about The Entourage as a show, it is that Ari Gold is the most bad ass person in the world. Picture a man, that gets what he wants, when he wants, whenever he wants. Imagine the confidence and strength that a man of this build has. Now imagine this man, stripped entirely of everything.

When his wife wanted to split, Ari's entire meaning to life itself crumbled. He realized that he just couldn't live anymore without his wife and family. He gave up his CAREER. An extremely LUCRATIVE career. A career that he himself PERSONIFIED. And to make matters worse, he LOVED his job probably more than anyone in any profession or field. And he built his empire from the GROUND up.

The thought of not having his wife and family devasted him, and in the end, he gave it all up, just for one chance to make things right again.

His performance in the finale showed how much emotion can pour out of a seemingly emotionless man, and to me it shows how love in the end, is what conquers all.

Example 3: Vinny Chase

This will be a short example. Vinny Chase is the main character of the show, and throughout the show was a huge whore (for a lack of a better word). He dated and dated and dated and just couldn't get it right.

In season 8, he met the one. And all it took, was one conversation, and one glance. And Vinny KNEW, that she was the one. There was no doubt in his heart/soul/mind.

I'm a romantic, and I tend to believe that true love exists, and as cheesy or as unrealistic as movies/cinema may make love out to be, I think people are just too afraid to believe in it. Its right in front of your eyes, and its been done in every movie/tv/music/play/book ever made. It's an idea, a philosophy, and it is real. People shouldn't have to be afraid of it.

In conclusion, I was just very satisfied with how the season finale ended to entourage. It really made me feel good inside. And I can't wait for the movie.